I rename stupid books!

I was recently on Amazon.com and I noticed that stupid people are writing (what I can only assume are) stupid books. Here’s the kicker – People are buying this garbage. Since I’m not going to waste my time actually reading the books I am going to tell you what I know about the author and then rename their book. Should be fun, right?

Lauren Conrad wrote three books…no, I’m not joking. Well…someone wrote three books and I highly doubt it was her. Thanks to this girl who gave us Laguna Beach we can now enjoy these gems. I actually opened one of these books at a friend’s house and had to put it down before I finished the first page. It sounded like a child wrote it. I love children, I don’t love their writing.

Lauren Conrad’s L.A. Candy is now Poorly Written Crap

Lauren Conrad’s Sweet Little Lies is now Poorly Written Crap 2

Lauren Conrad’s Sugar and Spice is now poorly Written Crap 3

Paris Hilton has a book. I’ll give you a second to process it…..

Yep, the girl who shows her who-ha off like it is going out of style wrote a book. If you spend your money on this, I’m sorry but we can not be friends. Ok, we can be friends but I am going to make fun of you for it.

Paris Hilton’s Confessions of an Heiress is now A 192 page List of My STDs

I’m sure Lindsay Lohan is penning something spectacular in rehab.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt wrote a book. I’m sure it sucked.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt’s How to be Famous is now This Book Doesn’t Deserve a Title Because No One Cares

 

 Snooki wrote a book. There are no words. This book is 304 pages! 304 PAGES! What could this girl possibly have to say that would take up that much space? We are wasting trees. 

 Snooki’s A Shore Thing is now I Probably Think This Is How You Spell Sure

Amazon has a section on their page telling you that people who bought certain books also bought a list of other books. The funniest thing that I found while doing (a minimal amount of) research for this post was that dum dums are buying all of these books. I don’t know if they are actually reading them or using them as paper weights but I know they are spending money on them and that doesn’t sit right with me. I wouldn’t give this garbage to my dog to chew on.

There are so many beautifully written works full of substance and people are reading this crap. Are we still wondering what is wrong with the world?

-A

Dear Lindsay,

Here at TGOB we share a mutual distaste (putting it nicely) for a few of Hollywood’s leading ladies….if you could even call them that. As you may have noticed in previous posts, Tyra Banks doesn’t really tickle our fancy (shocker!). Another lady (once again, putting it nicely) that seems a little less like a talented icon and a little more like a festering itch we’d just l-o-v-e to scratch and get rid of once and for all is (drumroll please) Lindsay Lohan.

In case you are out of the loop, Lindsay has decided to sue E*Trade for a commercial they ran during this year’s Super Bowl. The commercial used the name Lindsay when referring to a “milkaholic” baby girl. Funny, right? I laughed. What didn’t I do? Think of Lindsay Lohan and get angry that they would use HER name in their commercial without asking. Why didn’t I do that? Because that would make me a crazy person! Besides, if anyone should get credit for naming their spawn it should be her mother.

See any similarities in these two photos?

Neither do I.

Keep dreaming Lindsay…or wishing…or praying. Chances are you will never win a Golden Globe BUT you are the first recipient of TGOB’s Biggest Boob Award! Congrats, crazy!

-A.