As you all know, next year is election year.
Actually, based on what you are googling to get you here, some of you probably aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed so maybe you didn’t know that. (Looking at you, whoever googled “where is my labia”.)
In any case, you know now.
I know we normally try and stay away from any political commentary (mainly because it doesn’t interest us), but I have a feeling there will be at least a little bit of political discourse within the next year. You can expect any posts regarding the Presidential elections to be written with our usual tact and respectful tone. (So, plenty of boobie jokes!)
Ok, I know you are all dying to know what I look for in a President and my thoughts on the current GOP candidates.
The most important quality the President can have, in my humble opinion, is someone who can lead us safely through the Zombie Apocalypse.
Frankly, I don’t think any of the current candidates are up to the challenge.
And something tells me President Obama would hole up somewhere protected by a hundred giant men with rifles before the first Zombie head could roll.
Good luck suckers!
The kind of leader I’m looking for is someone who will not only keep his cool and handle the situation, but also won’t be afraid to get in there and kick some zombie ass of his own.
Who are my top choices for 2012? In no particular order:
Ash Williams. He kicks some serious deadite butt in the Evil Dead franchise, while still maintaining his sense of humor. He hacks his way through deadites, while tossing around zingy one-liners and flirting with the ladies. Plus, he’s got a chainsaw for a hand.
Shaun Riley. In Shaun of the Dead, this guy manages to keep himself and his girlfriend alive through the Zombie Apocalypse. And even though his best friend is turned into a zombie, he keeps him tied up and playing video games in the shed. Loyal, funny, and able to keep himself alive. Check, check, check.
How about a Kirk and Spock ticket for 2012? I know they don’t have any hands on zombie experience, but they’ve certainly dealt with their fair share of alien monsters and weird shit. Spock will be the calm, logical one who helps everyone with ways to survive and evacuation. And Kirk will make the hard decisions and be in charge of our military forces against the zombs.
Bill Pullman. (But only if he is in character for Thomas Whitmore from Independence Day.) Seriously. He has clearly demonstrated that he has the ability to save the world from a hostile alien invasion. He can deliver a speech so moving it will band us together despite our differences and inspire us to bring the hammer down on some zombie ass. Plus, he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. When I’m running a flaming zombie body over in my car, I want to be able to look over and see the President standing over a zombie corpse, holding its disgusting zombie head high and shouting “this is our Independence Day!!!!!”
Can you see these people doing that?
Too soft.
Too bat shit crazy.
Too likely to sexually harrass a lady zombie and get his brains eaten.
Too old.
So you can see why I’m pretty stumped over our options for 2012.
It’s looking like whatever way you cut it, we’re pretty much screwed.
-N.
PS. Find me on twitter and tweet funny things at me! (Nicsigni)
